So I was down in Kansas last weekend bored out of my tree. There’s nothing to do whatsoever! So I wandered around and came across Leavenworth penitentiary and paid for a tour. As I walked around looking at the inmates I noticed that former NFL great Michael Vick was currently incarcerated here. So I went back to the administary office and booked a media visit to see if he’d accept it, saying I was the webmaster of savemichaelvick.com and that I needed to talk to him about his petition. The next day I found out that he agreed and I got to interview him. Here’s the transcript.

Mad: Thanks for taking time out of your busy inmate raping schedule.
Mike: No problem, I’ve got nothin’ but time. Especially since your site is the only one to show any support to me.

Mad: Well even though we think it’s ludicrous you’d get this much negative flack it’s not like we endorse what you actually did. As a dog owner I do think you need to be punished for torturing defenseless animals.
Mike: Defenseless animals? It’s not like I just scored 5 touchdowns on the Lions. These dogs were bred for fighting, it’s in their blood to conquer. All I did was facilitate that I didn’t make them do anything.

Mad: Well regardless, how have you handled all of the negative feedback?
Mike: What can ya do…if the public needed someone to nail to the cross while they sit there torturing lobsters in boiling water, testing products on baby mice and thinning out the pet population ‘humanely’ then whatever that’s on their conscience. I’m no killer…actually I can’t say that anymore. Prison isn’t a friendly place.

Mad: Whoah. So going from making $15 million in 2006 to 12 cents an hour here in prison isn’t agreeing with you?
Mike: Oh I make more than 12 cents an hour. It’s more like 25 cents now, I’m a baller and I’ll always be earnin’. My main income is from playing Madden in the common room. Mofos don’t have a clue how to stop me when I use the Falcons. That Matt Ryan kid is pretty good…in the video game that is. If I was out he’d be my back-up right now.

Mad: Well in the past you’ve been quite frivolous with your riches and you’ve paid the price. Your houses and farms are all gone, your 2 yachts were repossessed, youre entire army of cars is depleted, you paid $60k for a race horse that died and you’re making 25 cents an hour now? How do you even live with yourself?
Mike: Man just knowing I’ll be out soon and able to get back into the NFL keeps me going.

Mad: Uhh what…you’re going to make a comeback? Have you been staying in shape? Playing prison ball?
Mike: Well the season just started in here and my cellmater..err, agent is still looking at offers. Plus too many of the queers play just for the contact. And yes I will be back in the NFL. All there is to do is work out here and I’ve already been contacted by the 9ers, Lions and one other team I’d rather not mention…

Mad: Oh c’mon man it’s not like anyone reads my site. It’ll be between just you me and 4 other dudes.
Mike: Ok well it’s the Titans. They’ve said they think I am less of a risk than Vince Young.

Mad: Right on man, but it’s going to be a tough ride back to the big show. Let’s not forget you have a career 75 QB rating and fumble the ball once every 10 rushes. Maybe when you return you should change your name officially to Ron Mexico so no one even notices it’s you.
Mike: Nah, Ron Mexico has a worse rep than I do right now. Motherfuckers need to say out of my business!

Mad: When you get out do you plan to get back your dogs?
Mike: Nah, last I heard they were being pimped out to sell wine or some shit. Oh like that’s so much better. That’s the same as callin’ the kettle a fuckin’ n*gger…wait how does that phrase go?

Mad: Well Mike, thanks for this and I’ll let you know as soon as we get our millionth signature on your petition and we’ll get you out of here and back to fumbling with balls on the field and not in your cell.
Mike: Yeah man, good lookin’ out. Say hi to my bro while you’re here would ya?