Not that anyone would know because no one in their right mind watches SpikeTV but last night was the annual Video Game Awards. Sounds cool right? Well unfortunately, not. It’s too bad Spike jumped on the award process for video games because they are terrible at everything they do. Luckily I didn’t watch it but did see a few clips and between the body painting and trying to make game developers look like rockstars it was pretty much standard practice. As you can see from the list below, everyone you’d expect to win did win. No long shots or anything. With video games surpassing movies as far as annual revenue it’s only a matter of time before someone makes a real award show for video games and doesn’t just use it as a 2 hour promotional ad for all of Spike’s horrific programming. Also for Samuel L. Jackson, your career is safe. not even Snakes on a Plane could kill it. But keep this shit up and you’ll be giving blumpies for busfare to get home Sammy. I’ve added a bit of commentary to each award and what I think of it.

Game of the Year: BioShock
More like Most Overrated Game of the Year. Yes, it was good. But no multiplayer, bad final boss and really not that deep of an experience should of kept this off the podium.

Studio of the Year: Harmonix
I dunno, they hit it big with the first Guitar hero but every iteration of this game hasn’t added anything but new songs. Considering you can build your own sets to a song now, how much effort is really put into the sequels? Not enough to warrant studio of the year that’s for sure. What about Valve releasing 5 titles at the same time hmm?

Best Shooter: Call of Duty : 4 Modern Warfare
No argument here. Game is pure sex.

Best RPG: Mass Effect
How can you gauge an RPG that’s only been out a few weeks? I’ll bet money not one person on the VG Awards has finished it. But hey, it’s an RPG and it has commercials on our network!! Winnnnnnar!!

Best Military Game: Call of Duty : 4 Modern Warfare
Not really a lot of competition. Medal of Honour? Yeah right. Battlefield? Another EA failure. America’s Army? Hahaha. Quake Wars could of been considered, technically it’s military…right?

Best Individual Sports Game: skate
Oh wow, you beat Tiger Woods Golf. Big kudos to you. Skate is a decent game, came out at a bad time with so many other rape titles on the horizon. Keep Tony Hawk off the charts yo!

Best Handheld Game: The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
There’s only one handheld that should of won this but my penis wasn’t eligible. Handhelds are for virgins, why give them an award, let them rot in their parents basements with no award!

Best Graphics: Crysis
Yeah, Crysis looks good. For all 9 people out there that can play it.

Best Game Based on a Movie or TV Show: The Simpsons the Game
Actually a pretty decent game, with a lot of variety and annoyances. Again, not a ton of competition as every movie video game is ported to every console and format out there and they pretty much have to sacrifice every fun aspect to do so.

Best Rhythm Game: Rock Band
I haven’t played it but have heard it’s amazing. Blowing Guitar Hero out of the water is one thing, being backed by EA is another. I’m going to boycott this shit.

Best Driving Game: Dirt
Played it, dug it. It’s not on par with Forza 2 though so don’t know what these guys were smoking but let’s just be happy Need For Speed didn’t get it solely because of their aggressive marketing exploits like in past years.

Best Action Game: Super Mario Galaxy
I’d most likely agree with this if my pirated copy of Super Mario Galaxy would work!! Still, from all accounts this is the best Wii game in existence at the moment.

Best Team Sports Game: Madden NFL ‘08
You’re fucking kidding me. This franchise continues to suck and while ’08 was an improvement it was by no means stellar. What about NBA ’08, NHL 08? Sega and EA have stepped it up but Tiburon continues to have no competition at all (All Pro Football doesn’t count…in anything) and continues to not evolve. Howabout Favorite Game for Rappers instead?

Best Soundtrack: Guitar Hero 3
Oh yeah, great soundtrack! If you’re old and decrepid. Still waiting for Krump Hero so I can get mah krump on to some underground beats and bootytastic treats.

Breakthrough Technology: Half Life 2: The Orange Box
What’s the technology here, fitting 5 games on one disc or is it the Incredibles style animation of TF2? Either way feels like a gimme award so losing Game of the Year doesn’t sting too badly.

Best Xbox 360 Game: BioShock
No. Assassin’s Creed. Now that’s next gen!! Although I did enjoy the Big Daddy fights. And harvesting those li’l bitches like they were a candy bar. Mmmmm Li’l Sisters filled with caramel.

Best Wii Game: Super Mario Galaxy
Well duh. Cookin’ Mama a close 2nd??

Best PS3 Game: Ratchet and Clank: Tools of Destruction
This award can’t be disputed because no ones ever played a PS3 before.

Best PC Game: The Orange Box
Another oh hey, we didn’t forget about you guys and your million dollar advertising campaign with us!! Yay for you!! Oh wait, Best PC Game isn’t that like best selling Betamax cartridge?

Best Original Score: Bioshock
Disagree. Sure it was eerie but nothing memorable. You want best score? Go put Scene It in your 360 and leave it on for about 5-6 hours. It will induce a homicide, guaranteed. Now that’s powerful!

Best Multiplayer Game: Halo 3
No. Horrible. Biggest bust game. Call of Duty 4 multi makes Halo multi look like vomit. The only cool feature is the ability to edit an existing map and invite people in to fight on it. Oh, and the movie making is…decent.

Most Addictive Video Game fueled by Dew: Halo 3
If you drink Mountain Dew you deserve to play Halo. Fags.