Man, how lucky are we. To get an exclusive interview with the grand daddy of G-Unit, the next president of the United States of America, 50 Cent! It only cost me $10,000 but it’s worth it for you, the loyal readers.

Mad: Thank you for sitting down with us Fiddy.

Curtis: You’ve got 3 minutes.

Mad: Hmm, ok. Let’s start with the bet you had with Kanye, if he out sold your last record you said you’d retire from the rap game. Last I checked, you got whooped something fierce!
Curtis: Man that was total bullshit. I agreed to 50 vs. Kanye, not 50 vs. Daft Punk featuring Kanye. Shit is whack son. I set the rules and the rules were broken. Kanye’s a transvestite purse carrying bitch anyways.

Mad: Well I am glad you rescinded the bet because we need more talented left handed rappers out there!!
Curtis: I don’t make music for you crackers, it’s for my peeps from the streets.

Mad: No need to be racist Fiddy, white people should be allowed to visit the Candy Shop too you know.
Curtis: Only the big booty white bitches is allowed up in my crib.

Mad: So after your groundbreaking semi-autobiographical movie role I was surprised to not see you slip into the gangsta supporting roles that most rappers fall into. Are you still trying to break into Hollywood? Who are your acting inspirations?
Curtis: Man you be speaking some weak shit, I don’t need to break in to Hollywood, they BEG me to star in every movie that comes out. I am Legend? That was gonna be I Am 50. I turn that shit down because I’m not some sellout like Snoop. The only actor that matters in Hollywood is Charlie Sheen. For a white boy he’s got the skills.

Mad: When G-Unit first hit they blew up big time, who can we expect to see added to the G-Unit roster for the next go around? Cam’ron? Ja Rule? Kool Moe Dee?
Curtis: You have 1 minute left cuz.

Mad: Hmm, k. The reason I ask is because of what you said about you boy Lloyd Banks and I quote, “My teeth is fucked up, I can fix them, but how can you fix Banks’ chin?”
Curtis: No fuckin’ comment. (You heard it here first people, G-Unit is OVER!)

Mad: You also once said that Oprah doesn’t know how to suck dick. How did you come to this conclusion?
Curtis: Cuz that fat bitch inhales anything you put near her mouth. She doesn’t suck dick, she eats the dick.

Mad: Speaking of dick suckers, after turning Vivica Fox inside out who’s next on your list of conquests? I’ve seen some skinny white women near you like Paris. Why you gotta ruin all the white women too?
Curtis: I can’t help it if they see this smile and know they want to be ripped open by the one and only 50 Cent. Life ain’t nothin’ but bitches and money anyways. Write that shit down, I just made that up on the spot.

Mad: Ok Fiddy, to make sure I get moneys worth for this rather short interview I need to bug you about your little videogame franchise you got going on. The first title, Bulletproof actually sold decently but was a pretty shit game. How the hell did someone ok a sequel?
Curtis: I don’t need no corporate crackaz permission to make my life story. I’m richer than the President son. I can fund anything I want and what I want is to have a realistic depiction of my life in a video game so all of my fans worldwide can feel how pimp it is to be 50 Cent.

Mad: Uhh, ok. Then why is the sequel to Bulletproof taking place in the Middle East and have you battling terrorists in the search of some jewel encrusted skull. When did you become the black Indiana Jones?
Curtis: Being the nerdy little whitebread you are I wouldn’t expect you to understand the power of the bling but for my peoples it’s like the holy fuckin’ grail, aight. Trust me when I say this is going to be the greatest video game ever made and ya’ll get to kill Al Qaeda motherfuckers over n’ over just like I do on tour. Doesn’t get any better than that.

Mad: Well Fiddy, thank you for spending the time to grace us with your omnipotent presence and best of luck on future endevours.
Curtis: What the fuck did you just call me?? I have never shot blanks bitch!!